November 22nd: Chayay Sarah
THIS WEEK IN THE TORAH
Rabbi David E. Ostrich
Helicopter parent may be a modern term, but the phenomenon described is quite old—at least as old as this week’s Bible story. Worried that Isaac is not up to choosing a wife for himself, Abraham sends a trusted servant to Mesopotamia to find a wife for Isaac.
“Do not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites among whom I dwell, but go to the land of my birth and get a wife for my son Isaac…on no account must you take my son back there!” (Genesis 24.3-6)
There is some logic in Abraham’s thinking. If Isaac marries a local woman, he could easily be drawn into the local pagan religious world—and depart from the path on which God is sending Abraham, Sarah, and their descendants. And, if Isaac goes back to the Old Country to get a wife “of his own kind,” he could be tempted to stay there and depart from the path on which God is sending his family. The only problem is that Isaac is a grown-up. He should be able to handle this himself, but Abraham does not trust his son—and Abraham over-functions.
To be fair, there might be other factors at play. Mores are different in Biblical times—as we learn when Isaac’s older brother, Ishmael, is also the beneficiary of such parenting: “and his mother (Hagar) got a wife for him from the land of Egypt.” (Genesis 21.21) And there is the possibility that Isaac is somehow impaired. Of the three Patriarchs, he is the most quiet and the least active. Perhaps he is just shy, meditative, or not overly social, or perhaps there is something more problematic. Could the trauma of almost being sacrificed have left lasting emotional scars, or could he be mentally or visually impaired? Does Abraham need to take over, or is the over-functioning a result of Dad’s anxiety—and not Isaac’s inability or vulnerability?
The problem with over-functioning/under-functioning is that it can be convenient. Having someone else make one’s decisions and do one’s work removes a lot of stress from life. On the other hand, the infantilization of under-functioners prevents them from taking responsibility for themselves. And sometimes their volition and desire for autonomy rise up and demand attention.
Years ago, my wife Joni worked for the Kentucky State Welfare Department running a well-child clinic for welfare recipients. When Ronald Reagan became President, he slashed welfare funding, and the program was dismantled. Social activists decried Reagan’s failure to help the less fortunate—and we were quite unhappy about Joni losing her job. However, the fact is that the program’s money had not been well spent. Most of the welfare-receiving mothers did not show up for appointments—even after repeated reminders and offers of free taxi rides. The advice of the nurse was ignored, as were appointments made with specialists. Try as the staff might, the clients just refused to be helped. They were not interested in what the government was offering.
The government thought it knew what the poor mothers needed, but the poor mothers themselves had different ideas. Though we personally appreciated the income that Joni earned (supporting us as I studied at the Hebrew Union College), the government wasted lots and lots of money on this ineffective do-good program. Could the program have been designed or executed better, or was the Government “sticking its nose” into other people’s business—in this case, the “business” of the Appalachian poor in Covington, Kentucky?
We all have ideas about how to solve the world’s problems, and they often involve telling other people what to do. When we put these brilliant ideas into government policy or programs, we may be right—or we may be over-functioning and perceived as interfering in other people’s lives. There is also the possibility that the experts’ goals may not be the goals of the target populations. No matter what is done—which expert opinion or recipient opinion is adopted, experience shows that many of the recipients do not appreciate the “help” or find that the “solutions” are not effective for their problems. Sometimes I wonder how much anti-government hostility is based on such misbegotten “assistance.”
The years have seen a lot of ink spilled and a lot of Liberal stomach lining shed over the problems of a whole host of downtrodden groups. Whether these people are weak or uneducated or bull-headed or culturally deprived or victimized or marginalized, the Liberal and do-gooder message has been that they need our help. The question, as we analyze and dissect the recent election results, is how many of them voted against Liberal wisdom. What if the people we pity do not want the kind of help we offer? Could that be one factor in the unexpected election results? Could the deafening roar of the recent ballot boxes mean that the Liberal agenda—in all its expansiveness and largesse—is not perceived as helpful as we imagine?
There is a human tendency to dispense advice, and this is even more pronounced among those of us dedicated to Tikun Olam. Fixing the world is a noble goal, but sometimes, I fear, we can be guilty of over-reaching and over-functioning. As much as God wants to rule the world with goodness, God also gives us the example of Tzimtzum, of withdrawing from the world to make room for human agency—for growth, experimentation, failure, success, and responsibility. We shall be pondering this recent election for a long time—and analyses and opinions will be in a continuing state of flux. But for now, I am wondering whether the lesson of the election may be Tzimtzum—of not being so eager to solve other people’s problems, of not over-functioning.
Rebekah turns out to be a good choice—a fine wife. She does important work and helps steer the fate of our people and religion. She shows that woman can have both wisdom and strength—and is a true Matriarch. However, could not Isaac have found her on his own? If he is mature and pious enough to sacrifice himself on his Dad’s Mount Moriah altar, then he certainly knows what he needs and wants, and he should be trusted to find his own wife.
One more thing. If we read carefully, we see that the servant is not the one who finds Rebekah. As Abraham himself says, “The Lord, the God of heaven…will send an Angel before you so you can get a wife for my son from there.” (Genesis 24.7) The servant prays to God, and the angel of God points out Rebekah. That same angel could accompany Isaac and assist him as he takes care of his own business.