December 6th: Vayetze
THIS WEEK IN THE TORAH
Rabbi David E. Ostrich
The “soap-opera” of our founding families gets pretty intense this week and can teach us a number of lessons.
First, the story shows us how one misbehaving person can cause trouble for many others. When Jacob—on the run from his brother Esau—arrives at his cousins’ home in Syria, he first meets his cousin Rachel. Then, he meets her father Laban whom the Rabbis know will soon be notorious. Thus they see warning signs in the simplest of gestures. “On hearing the news of his sister’s son Jacob, Laban ran to greet him; he embraced him and kissed him, and took him into his house.” (Genesis 29.13) The Rabbis explain that this is no regular greeting. Laban’s hugging is to inspect Jacob’s clothes for jewels and other gifts. They even suggest that his kiss involves sticking his tongue inside Jacob’s mouth to see if any jewels are hidden there. Apparently, Laban remembers the many gifts Abraham’s servant brought when he came to find a wife for Isaac (Rebekah). He figures that the Canaan family is rich, and he is only hospitable because he wants some of their money.
Jacob and Rachel fall in love with each other, and Jacob works for seven years to pay the bride price. However, the wedding is not what they expect. “Laban gathered all the people of the place and made a feast. When evening came, he took his daughter Leah and brought her to Jacob; and he cohabited with her…When morning came, there was Leah!” (Genesis 29.23-25)
Jacob’s objection focuses on his disappointment—but not Leah’s! “What is this you have done to me? I was in your service for Rachel! Why did you deceive me?!” Laban explains, “It is not the practice in our place to marry off the younger before the older. Wait until the bridal week of this one is over and we will give you that one too, provided you serve me another seven years.” (Genesis 29.25-27)
We can sense Jacob’s disappointment, frustration, and sense of betrayal, but what about Leah’s? She does not even get a week of real love. Thinking only of Rachel, “Jacob waited out the bridal week of the one…” Though Jacob and Rachel marry, their family life—and Leah’s!—is fraught with tension. Thus does Laban’s “bait and switch” put both of his daughters—and his son-in-law and servants and grandchildren—into a very unpleasant and difficult situation. There are lots of ways this story could progress, but Laban’s dishonesty and greediness bring misery and life-long dissatisfaction to a whole community.
Can a family or organization protect itself against such a problematic person? Perhaps, but it takes an awareness of the person’s inappropriate tendencies and enough moral strength to resist. Part of politeness involves flexibility—accommodating ourselves to another’s preferences. This usually works fine, but some people do not temper their preferences or think of those whom they push or inconvenience. Or, they may regard other people’s politeness as a weakness to be exploited. Resisting such pushiness requires principled firmness—and a willingness to risk anger and pushback. We do not have to acquiesce. We have a right to our own principles and standards—and the safety and functionality of our families or organizations. Sometimes, radical acceptance and affability is less a virtue than an opening for violation.
A second lesson regards the way people can adapt to less than ideal situations. Though Leah is not loved and treasured the way she should be loved and treasured, she seems to make a life for herself in this polygamous household. All we know from the Torah is that she participates in the marital dynamic and gives birth to six sons and a daughter. We do not know much about her actual relationships—with her sister, children, and husband, but one can imagine her functioning within the limitations of her life and seeking the various satisfactions that life can bring.
(For a possible glimpse inside Leah’s family life, consider the extended modern Midrash, The Red Tent, by Anita Diamant.)
So often, we focus on the crisis or disappointment or injury that “ruins” one’s life. There should be no doubt that terrible things happen and cause future difficulties, but the story does not necessarily end with the trauma. In so many cases and with God’s help, the human spirit can be resilient and learn to live within limitations. An example I always remember is that of a member in a congregation I served many years ago. This particular gentleman had a progressive intestinal problem that required surgery every few years to remove more and more of his insides. From his mid-twenties, he had needed various bags attached to his bowels to accommodate his body’s waste. Despite this extremely challenging medical and personal situation—one which most agree “ruined” his life, he was able to have a career, to marry, to have a full physical and sexual life, fathering and raising three fine children. He was also active in civic organizations and the synagogue---leading services when I was out of town. Among other things, he spoke about his difficulties and abilities publicly, speaking of the possibilities nonetheless present in a really difficult situation. No one should doubt the difficulty of his life, but all should rejoice that he was able to find much joy and accomplishment in the midst of his limitations.
There are those traumas which cannot be overcome. There are injuries that do not heal. The good fortune of some who can and have recovered does not minimize the real pain and difficulty that others face. However, in the infinite possibilities of life, there are joys that are possible—and they can be sought. Our Mother Leah reminds us of this ever-present possibility: despite unfairness and disappointments, there are blessings. May her example help us to find them.